Hellboy – boy, go to hell.

GORE, FOUL LANGUAGE and A COOL yet REPETITIVE soundtrack does not always make a movie good and with Hellboy 3, the long awaited cult fictional comic book made movie, a series of good movies is brutally ruined.

I absolutely love the Hellboy movies; Ron Perlman is just him, he is that character, scarily charming and witty with a kitten loving adorable sweet side; as a whole Hellboy 1 & 2 are poetic perfection, they are fun and bad ass with a blend of mystery and fantasy… Whereas Hellboy 3; a reboot? A prequel? A sequel? Is just what comes out of the ass.

I’m unfamiliar with the the majority of actors in this movie, but they all sucked too, no one in this movie brought anything to the table. It’s a bad movie all around, from the lousy acting to the profanity lead script, to the obvious CGI and bland aesthetic. I’m just not happy about it. Any of it. Clearly.

David Harbour – amazing in stranger things, yet really let me down here: He’s scruffy and unrefined.

Milla Jovovich – one of my personal favourites as she is a fellow Ukrainian babe (like myself), but she’s stunning and a great actress; resident evil – eat your heart out unfortunately she is given little to work with, and the writing makes her seem woefully underwhelming.

Ian Mcshane- intense, as usual, but his threatening, stoic presence is getting a little tiring if you’ve seen any of his earlier works.

Hellboy 3 takes a religious, magical, politically incorrect manner to showcase that Hellboy 1 & 2 were works of a superior director that needed continuing, but not like this. Had this movie been a standalone work, without any prior works being made, I’d still despise it to its rushed, overly produced, under planned, hacky core.

In this instalment we see a pubescent devil man boy, running wild, literally ungroomed standing up for his creature half self; which is great, I’m supportive of that – give the magical world a chance. But it just makes a mockery of the brilliance of the first two films. As I said, just because every other word is a swear, does not make this movie good. Just because the gore level is high, it does not mean you’re a good movie. It’s the fever dream of a sweaty, obnoxious 15-year-old boy, fingers still dusty from the Doritos, bought into a gruesome, meaningless, existence.

With the confusion in the stance of where this movie fits with the others, the reconstructed scene of where Hellboy comes from differs, also he is looking completely different. After he comes onto earth, it’s revealed that his purpose once again is to pretty much enslave humanity as he is ‘the devil’, however, he should do this alongside a witch wife (she was pulled apart and placed around London apparently for being bad – randomly king Arthur saves the day, for now, then in the past). Though this movie isn’t romantic in the slightest, it’s just a bizarre mess and all events kind of conclude to nothing, yet happy ending Hellboy wins? And now has the sword of Excalibur… Did Hellboy win? Because I feel like I lost, and I most certainly lost a couple hours of my life which I shall never get back.

if I meet Hellboy in hell because of this emotionally bitter review, I’ll recreate the events of this movie for real and do it better, without even trying –although with the help of a cool soundtrack much like the film, it would make things a little better. But to end on an extra bitter note;

Please movie, go to hell.